See You In The AM:
A Mental Health Podcast
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Episode: Coming Back from Burnout with D'Layne Benson
Show Notes
"The overachievers, the perfectionists, the people-pleasers. There is so much stuff that we do and so many standards we hold ourselves to that are absolutely unnecessary."
In today's episode, we will discuss how to come back from burnout and find joy again with Aspyn Coach D’Layne Benson. D’Layne is a registered nurse with 17 years of experience in health and wellness with a focus on holistic health, healing trauma, and managing anxiety.
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Transcript
Allie Nickle:
Welcome to the See You in the AM podcast,where we explore the many facets of mental health and wellness,share our personal experiences,interview mental health experts,and offer practical tips and resources to help you prioritize your mental wellness.I'm your co-host,Allie Nickle from Aspyn Market,and I'm joined by my friend,business partner and founder of Aspyn Market Wynter Johnson.We know there are a lot of mental health resources out there,and it's overwhelming to find the right resources that fit your needs,time and budget.So we're here to help.In each episode,we'll talk with one of Aspyn Market's mental health experts,and dig into a mental health topic that we know so many of us struggle with.In today's episode,we'll discuss how to come back from burnout and find joy again with Aspyn Coach D'Layne Benson.D'Layne is a registered nurse with17years of experience in health and wellness with a focus on holistic health,healing trauma,and managing anxiety.Hi D'Layne,and thanks so much for joining us today.
D'Layne Benson:
Hello.Thanks for having me.
Allie Nickle:
Uh,I know.Uh,so burnout is something Wynter and I have had many conversations about and I know it's something so many of us are experiencing right now.So I'm super excited to dig into this with you.Yeah.And uh,with that I'll hand it over to Wynter.
Wynter Johnson:
Awesome.Thanks Allie.Uh,D'Layne,I echo what Allie just said.Really looking forward to talking about burnout.But before we dig in,why don't you tell us a little bit about you,your coaching business,why you focus on burnout and some of the other things you like to,um,work with your clients on?
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah,so as we said,my name's D'Layne.I live in Idaho and I have a husband and a16year old stepson.And,um,really I,more than anything,I'm a transformational life coach,and I focus on working with perfectionists,overachiever people pleasers and really just try to help them get fulfillment,get back their power in life if they feel like they've lost it and help them find joy.So that can show up as working with burnout,working with anxiety,um,nervous system regulation.There's really a bunch of different ways that can manifest.And then,I started out in the wellness industry as a massage therapist,and I did that for a while,and then I wanted to help people in a more holistic manner,and so at that point I became a nurse.And through the early career I really enjoyed that.But I've just noticed the changes in the healthcare industry have really just made it more of a dysfunctional system.And so coaching really felt like the way to start to help people holistically again.And then I also,um,went through a journey with depression,anxiety,burnout,all of those things,and then helped my husband go through traumatic brain injury,PTSD,and ADHD.So all of that kind of combined to put me on this path that I'm on right now.
Wynter Johnson:
There is so much there that you can dig into and I feel like it's all really interconnected.Mm-hmm.And,you know,you mentioned depression and anxiety.Do you find that those things usually go hand in hand with burnouts?Um,and also the same for perfectionism.You know,Allie and I,I think are both,um,I type-a perfectionists,and I think that can really,really lead to burnout quickly.And so can you talk to us a little bit about some of the things that you see leading up to burnout and kind of how they're all connected and work together?
D'Layne Benson:
Right.Yeah.And yes,you,you're correct.Um,the perfectionist,overachiever,people pleasers.That's kind of why I work with those three groups because we all,those three groups and I pretty much fall into all of them,are the type that are prone to burnout.And I feel like that's,it's almost like the gateway into depression and anxiety as well.Um,because in reality,burnout is separate from depression.It's separate from,you know,a chronic fatigue state.Um,burnout is really just one aspect of your life.So it could be work,it could be your home life.Um,you could be a caregiver for someone,but burnout will show up as a,um,a deep issue with that one aspect.But then when you're a perfectionist,um,It just starts to kind of creep through to all the other areas as well.And so let's say you start with work,right?You're in that deep burnout with work and then,um,the frustrations of not doing work perfectly because you can't show up in the way that you want to,can lead to depression.And then once you have depression,it's more of a,um,it just invades all parts of your life.So then you'll start to see that in,in your social life,in your relationships,in your home life then you don't show up as well.Um,and so that's kind of the danger of all of it,is that it starts to get into that.And then it also can show up as chronic fatigue as well.
Wynter Johnson:
I feel like that is all such a vicious,vicious circle.And you see a lot right now on TikTok and different people coming out and talking about signs of high functioning anxiety.And for me,I,I can see that sometimes in myself and you know,that there's kind of the cliche that it looks like organizing your spice cabinet and you know,this weekend as I'm organizing my spice cabinet,cuz I'm avoiding something I don't wanna do,you know,I'm thinking they're not too far off.Maybe this is what it actually looks like.Like.So what are some of the signs that you see people who are experiencing burnout or anxiety or some of these other,other symptoms of depression?What are,what are some of these warning signs or things to look out for?
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah.So,um,specifically with burnout,I think that you see a lot of,um,like anger,exhaustion,dread,being really cynical.Um,you see like if you have a caregiving relationship with someone,you can see compassion fatigue.Um,that's a lot of the things that can really show up.And even,you know,like specifically for me because I'm a nurse,um,compassion fatigue is a big thing to watch for,um,within the healthcare industry.If you,you'll just start to look at your patients in a different way and that is a dangerous sign.And then as far as the anxiety,as far as the depression,I one of the big ways it shows up is numbing,if you are getting overwhelmed during your day and so you try to numb yourself with food or alcohol or TV or really any number of things.Um,so sometimes it even shows up over-exercising.Um,there's just a lot of different ways that it manifests.But if you're really trying to escape your day on a regular basis,that's a big warning sign.And then more within the depression,chronic fatigue area,it falls into the just not wanting to get out of bed or not feeling like you can get out of bed and just the more deep-seated feeling deep down into your bones,just exhausted.Um,that's the other kind of warning signs.I
Wynter Johnson:
Do you find?So I feel like those are,those are big warning signs,but sometimes we all have those days.Those days you don't wanna get outta bed.Or the day,I'm just gonna go watch an extra episode of Netflix with that extra glass of wine tonight,because that feels great.How do you know when it's going from,I'm just tired or I had a day or a week to,okay,this is something deeper and I need to pay attention to this?
D'Layne Benson:
I think the biggest thing to monitor is the frequency of everything.Um,if it feels like an intermittent thing of just,I'm gonna treat myself tonight,I'm gonna binge on Netflix,I'm gonna have wine,I'm just gonna relax and have a good time,like that's what I need to do right now to fill my cup.That's a very different perspective from the second that I get home,I need to go ahead and pour some alcohol into a glass and get started with that.And I just want to just black out of my day as fast as possible.And I'm not meaning like blackout drinking,but just check out of the day I need to do that.And then you're just doing it with more and more and more frequency.Um,that would definitely be concerning.
Wynter Johnson:
Yeah.So talk about filling our cup.Allie and I have had so many conversations with ourselves and with other people in our worlds lately that there are times when everything's filling my cup.It's amazing.The cups are overflowing,you know,energy begets energy,and it just really feels like all of the pieces are in motion and working together nicely.And sometimes,um,like lately,I think we've talked a lot about how I think there are so many people in my circle who I think are just experiencing burnout right now.And the thing that I keep hearing them say is,all my cups are empty.There's no cup to pour from.There's not,I'm not trying to refill just this one cup over here.It's all the cups.They're all empty.Yeah.How do you start to refill your cups to find joy and energy when you're working from such,um,a level of deep burnout?
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah.So really the biggest thing,um,at least in my opinion with all of this,is to really start to tap into your nervous system.Because often when you've when you've gone and,and this,you know,once again relates back to the people pleasing the perfectionism,the overachieving,if you've just been in a state of give,give,give,give,give,and just feeling like you're having to keep yourself at this really high level,then often your,your nervous system starts to get off track and it just doesn't really feel safe.It feels like you are just fighting and fighting and fighting to do these things that you need to do.So the first thing to do is really just start to just throughout the day,just think about how do I feel in this moment?Do I need to ground myself?Do I need to center myself?Um,because often we ex,we expend a ton of energy on just worrying about things or going through our to-do list over and over and over again,or ruminating about something.And so first just really grounding and centering yourself so that you can even think clearly and rationally.And then just start to do,um,either just thoughtfully thinking about your life or even doing mindfulness and meditation,just to give you that space to really refu,reflect upon your life and just look at how things are going.Where am I expending all of my energy?Where are my energy drains in my life?And then also thinking about,um,where do I need to set boundaries?And just starting to focus on the most important places where you need to start that creation.Um,and that's this type of stuff that's going to start getting you on the track to recovery.And then once you get to a place where your nervous system really does feel safe and you feel like you've got more power and guidance towards what you wanna do,that's when you can really start to define what does joy look like for me?What are the things that will really provide me joy in this moment today or this week?And then,honestly,especially with this group of people that I work with,you need to schedule the time.You take those things and you put them into your schedule,and it's a non-negotiable no matter if you come home,let's say.Okay.For example,for me,going out for a walk in nature,I.That is going to fill my cup.And so I might come home from work,be exhausted,and I don't wanna do it.I don't wanna go for the walk,but for a while,I just make it a non-negotiable that I'm just gonna put on my shoes and get out the door and just do whatever happens once I get out.I'm not holding myself to a,I have to go and rigidly make sure that I am outside for45minutes.No.My goal is I'm gonna put on my shoes and get out the door and then just see what happens and see what I can do to refill my cup.And I feel like that's a good place to start.And then you just start kind of building that resilience back up again,and then that creates more space for the joy.
Wynter Johnson:
I love that.And I love that you,I.Don't make yourself,you don't force yourself onto a timeline or a goal of,I'm gonna be out there for45minutes.If I get out here for10minutes and I decide I'm done with this,I'm gonna turn around.Or if I'm loving this and I wanna be out here for two hours,I'm gonna let that be okay too.And I think that's important to remember to listen to our bodies and not force ourselves because I'd rather have a happy10minutes than are really begrudging45minutes.
D'Layne Benson:
Exactly.Right.
Wynter Johnson:
What don't you recommend to your clients?And something I'm personally struggling with is things that used to bring me joy don't bring me joy anymore.And I think that's sometimes you get burnt out on them.You're evolving through things that life changes.But I used to love cooking and it was fun.I turned on music,I would cook.It was great.And now I there are nights I just don't wanna cook.It feels more like I gotta cook dinner,you know?And I've accepted,right?Instead of forcing myself to enjoy cooking,I'm trying to find what else brings me joy.But it's a really big struggle when,you know,I love this.I used to wanna do it.What do you recommend to people when that changes?
D'Layne Benson:
Honestly,I think that part of it is just trying to just keep that,that,um,curiosity within yourself of just trying to figure out those things that do give you joy and then yeah,have compassion for yourself for,um,understanding what's going on with you.And it's really interesting.I had.I recently had a conversation with one of my clients,and it's funny that you talked about,um,organizing in your pantry because she was literally saying,she was just like,you know,over and over and over again the thing that has provided me joy lately is organizing my house.And she's like,but everybody judges me and tells me that's not self-care.And so,I was like,well,I just want you to pause for a minute.How do you feel while you're organizing?How do you feel afterwards?Like,let's really kind of deep dive into that.And the more she thought about it and the more she explored it,she was like,that actually is something that provides me joy,like more than anything right now.That's the thing that's really making me feel good.And she was like,I feel like it's also,um,alleviating future anxiety because I'm getting my house organized in a way that will make it easier for my husband and I to keep it organized in the future.And so she's like,it's almost like a,a win-win situation.And so that's,it really opened my perspective about just being curious about the thing that really does feel like self-care for you.It could be something strange like that and maybe just be on the lookout for it and try not to judge it if it does come up in that way.
Wynter Johnson:
You know,my type A organizing self loves doing that.And I'm glad that you say that that can be self-care cuz it's my go-to when I'm stressed out,I will go right,pick a closet,pick a room and just get lost in that.But I feel almost guilty being happy that something it,I feel like it should be a chore and instead it does bring me joy.And so,um,that's an interesting perspective of things that don't feel or look like self-care on the outside might actually be good for us.
D'Layne Benson:
Right.Exactly.
Wynter Johnson:
And you know,in the end the spice drawers organized so that feels great too.
Allie Nickle:
And the spice drawer is beautiful.I will say
Wynter Johnson:
pictures after it was finished,as
D'Layne Benson:
I love it,you know.
Wynter Johnson:
But speaking of that,you know when you're on,there's this really big trend right now in TikTok,Facebook,Instagram of restocking and organizing and the clear plastic containers.And you know,I feel like The Home Edit is my spirit animal.If I could have a show beat,like,and I,I love it,but I constantly feel the need when I watch these to think I should do that.I should get that.Like do you feel that social media is contributing to burnout as we all kind of try to keep up with different things?
D'Layne Benson:
Oh,absolutely.Yeah.And,and it shows up in so many different ways.But I feel like that's,so that's one classic example right there.Um,Even within just thinking,I'm gonna set a goal to take better care of myself,or I'm gonna learn more about health and wellness.You can so easily get overwhelmed when you start on social media because you're like,well,it turns out I need to be doing this,this,this,this,this,this,this.And then the next thing you know,you've got a list of20things you're supposed to be doing,and it completely overwhelms you.And it just,it doesn't help your self-confidence either because you're thinking,oh,well everybody else is doing this and I'm not doing it,so what's wrong with me?And then,additionally,just with social media in general,um,these influencers and,um,these different people in within the wellness industry,some of them are legit.Some of them are telling you scientifically backed things,and some are just making it up as they go,but they look pretty when they do it and they're dressed well.And so they gain this influence and we think that they're telling us the things that we need to do.So that's also just adds to the,the confusion and the difficulty of navigating health and wellness in a social media era.And I think the final thing too is just um,just,you know,we all know this,but just keeping in mind that once again,everything is this beautifully curated thing on social media.This is not what their life looks like and just,you know,you see all these things and you're like,oh my gosh.She takes such good care of herself and her life is so amazing and it just makes you feel worse about yourself and your mental health and all the things that you do.And yeah,you just have to keep reminding yourself,Nope,that's,that's not reality.That's not authentic.They're just giving me these beautiful pictures and making it look a certain way.
Wynter Johnson:
I think one of the things that frustrates me most about what you just said is the authentic influencers who aren't authentic at all.They're using filters,they have staff,they have crew.I mean,none of this is your real day-to-day life or what you're presenting yourself as.And I think the more,some of them try to be authentic,it's more and more inauthentic and it's this really weird gray line that we're seeing that just really,um,can complicate and confuse things.
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah.Yeah,absolutely.
Wynter Johnson:
You know,I think another thing that I is leading to burnout right now is there's been so many layoffs in the news,and I think professional burnout is,I think the first place people go to when they think burnout,they think professional burnout,and with these layoffs,you're losing team members,you're losing resources.And there's this kind of culture of do more with less mentality.And so you go and go and go trying to get the same results with less.What do you do to prevent yourself from burning out when you're in that situation?
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah,that's,it is so common and,and being in healthcare,uh,I really,that really resonates with me because I just see it left and right and,um,there's,there's so much that goes into,I um,like I talked about kind of taking a step back from your life and approaching it very mindfully and in regards to work that looks like really,really working on your home life balance.Um,because I know that we wanna put everything in terms of work,but um,really stepping back and getting that full picture of how does everything look like,are you really doing the self-care that you need to do at home?So that when you come to work,you're in the best place you can be and you're giving yourself like the best opportunity to feel good.Um,and then I think that,um,I think that boundaries at work is probably the number one thing.Um,and again,like,cuz this just ties into my area,my niche is the,the overachievers,the perfectionists,the people pleasers.There is so much stuff that we do and so many standards we hold ourself to that are absolutely unnecessary.It's just,it's,it always makes me laugh even when I do it to myself.Sometimes I'll just take a step back and look at a nursing shift that I had and think,did I really just do that?There was absolutely no need to go that far above and beyond the standard of what's expected at work.And now I'm absolutely exhausted.Tomorrow I'm gonna not gonna have any energy,like,why did I do that?Um,and so yeah,like that perspective of looking back and.I wanna do a good job.I hold myself to a high level.I have high ethics,but also don't push it so far that it's just absurd.Um,and then,yeah,just what boundaries can you hold within all of that.Um,if you are someone who's prone to doing that overachieving,then your boss is going to expect that of you.So if you start to put in boundaries,then you might really have some things to deal with initially because they'll say,well,why aren't you volunteering for every single thing on the department?Well,I don't want to.That's not fulfilling to me,that's not fulfilling my cup.I'm not going to show up as well for you if I do that.Um,so yeah,that's all the kind of stuff that you have to factor in with all of that.And then I think there are no matter how busy your job is,no matter what's going on,just trying to create little windows for self-care,for wellness,um,and just moments to pause.Like if you need to do some mindfulness for a few minutes,um,and it can even look like it's a frantic day at work.You have all these deadlines,you have all this stuff to do.But just take a moment and if you can't get peace at your desk,just go to the bathroom and just do a mindful moment just in the bathroom,just to any place that can get you a little peace and a little quiet.Um,but yeah,I think all that stuff is just so important just to keep,um,to keep your perspective and to keep your nervous system calm.
Wynter Johnson:
I think mom's trying to get peace in the bathrooms as we hide from our kids is we're,we're well versed in that.So that true?
D'Layne Benson:
Oh yeah.
Wynter Johnson:
Um,not sure it works all the time,but you know,that's,uh,that's where we're at in life sometimes.Um,you know,so we talked about,like,right now,I think more than ever,and I think there's a lot of different reasons for it,but people are just experiencing burnout and I feel like it's at a different level than I know I've seen it before.And whether that's,you know,covid or politics,news,everything going on just everywhere right now can feel heavy.How do you experience or how do you,how do you support people who are experiencing burnout and really help your friends and family alleviate some of that?Yeah.While also not burning out yourself more.
D'Layne Benson:
Right.That's a whole nother thing.Um,I think that,starting out with just communication and just really being clear to them of what you're seeing,because sometimes people in burnout don't even know that's what they're doing.Um,but yeah,just starting with a baseline of like,how do you feel?How are things going right now?I've noticed this,this,and this.Um,tell me,you know,what do you think is going on?What do you see with that?And then evaluating within yourself um,let's say you are doing really well at the moment.You're not on that edge of burnout.You really wanna support them.Um,one thing I've learned that's way more effective than just saying,well,just call me if you need something or,you know,just tell me if you need help.Um,it's to really get specific with them and say,you know,I've got some time today.I'd really love to help offload something for you.What can I do for you today?And just kind of push it in that manner to really have them give you a positive answer of something that would help them just to navigate their day better.Like,I can help bring you dinner,I can do whatever.You know,just finding specific things,because at least in my experience,so many people in burnout,they don't even know what they want.Their nervous system is so dysregulated,or they're so exhausted that you say,well,just call me if you need something.Well,they have no idea.And so this is a much more active way,proactive way to just get exactly what they need and go with that.And,um,and I,I just feel like that makes a big difference.And then the other thing is,um,let's say they're more on the spectrum of they are aware,I that they're burnt out and they're really just struggling with that.But just to validate them,um,when you're talking to them,because I feel like so many of these people suffering with burnout,they're already beating themselves up of,why don't I have enough energy?Why can't I do this?Why can't I get motivated about work?Why is this upsetting me?Um,but instead just validate them and their feelings,their experience,and don't try to challenge it.Don't try to talk them out of what they're feeling or what they're not feeling.Um,just simply be there for them and,and tell them,I'm sorry,I see that you're going through this.That's really hard.Um,that must really be a challenge to feel that way.And I think those two are just two things you can do to really lift them up.
Wynter Johnson:
Well,and that seems to be a theme that we've talked about,um,throughout some of our episodes,is really knowing how to ask for help.I don't think,you know,I,I'm terrible at it.When someone says,what do you need?My instant answer is,I don't know when,what I really think is like,dear God,could someone please just coordinate dinner for the night?Or could someone please pick up,you know,so and so,or could you just come over and watch a movie with me?Like,but I,my,my go-to response is always,I don't know,or I'm fine.You know?How do we as as women specifically,really teach ourselves,become comfortable with asking for the help that we need?
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah,it's honestly the biggest part of it.It's a practice.Um,and I feel like there's so much that comes tied into your value of yourself,your self-esteem,all of that.Um,and then also it kind of ties into just trying to prove you're self sufficient.So like,um,as women,we want to show like,I can do all of these things,right?Like that's what's been modeled for us is I can be a career woman and I can have my kids and I can have this and I'm gonna balance it all.And once again,this goes back to the social media thing too,of just,you have all these like ideas of what you want to be,what you want to do.And you don't want to give that up by asking for help or by saying you need help.Um,so yeah,I think the biggest thing is understanding that everybody needs help and normalizing that and just knowing that that's okay to do that.It's okay to make myself a priority.And I see this so often with clients,like one of the big affirmations I have people use is just simply,I am important and just say it over and over and over again.I am important.And when you have like start to accept that and have that in your head,then you can start to see,well,I do need help with this.And then,From there,start to create those things that you need.Um,things that will help you.And um,the other thing that sometimes I have clients do is just put post-it notes all over their house of what do I want and what do I need?And just through the day,start thinking that what do I want?What do I need?What do I want?What do I need?And that will even just get you into that practice to help you start doing it as well.Um,but yeah,it's just,there's so many layers to it,especially as a woman and I feel like.I feel like that's one of the things that I really wanna normalize is just women in community supporting one another,normalizing things so that we can start getting the help that we need and get out of all of these,the burnout,the depression,the anxiety,the chronic fatigue,all these things that women seem to be caught in right now.
Wynter Johnson:
Do you find that women experience burnout more than men or that they handle it differently?Um,or that it,it looks different?What's the,the difference there that you notice most?
D'Layne Benson:
Hmm.That's a good question.I feel like I,in my personal experience,it does seem like women are more prone to burnout,and I think that's just because the,particularly as mothers,that role of the official caretaker of the children is just automatically assigned to them no matter what the rest of their life looks like.And I feel like that's just such an extra layer added to everything.Um,that can really just make more wo women more prone to it than men.Um,because it just seems like that's the si societal expectation.You're gonna be the one who really coordinates everything with the kids,who really is the,the main person in charge of their food and their transportation and their support,and making sure that they have everything they need for school.Um,and so that just adds to all the layers that everyone in society is already feeling.Um,and it does seem like,at least within my circle of friends,it's just a lot more prevalent with women.Um,But honestly,I think there is a big thing to be said about both women and men feeling very stoic about the burnout situation and just not talking about it.Um,just feeling like I have to show up as strong.I have to show up as I'm having everything together,and so therefore,they don't say anything until the situation gets so bad that then you're kind of into a distress.Now it's crisis mode.What do we do?
Wynter Johnson:
Oh,that's a good point.And a lot of us let it get to crisis mode before we,we say,okay,wait,I really need some help here.Right?Or I need to take time for myself,or I really just need to,to sit back and kind of recalibrate here cuz this isn't working.
D'Layne Benson:
Right.Yeah.
Wynter Johnson:
And there really is a lot about the mental load,the invisible load that women take on lately,which,you know,as a woman and a mom is,is very,very true.And there's a lot there.
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah.
Wynter Johnson:
Um,and I think just learning to ask for help,create systems,create processes really,really helps.But I think also allowing ourselves to,um,take those few moments every once in a while to take time for ourselves is huge.You know,I watched my kids this week and they're like,let's watch a movie.I was like,wait,but there's things to do.I was like,actually,let's watch a movie.Like no one is telling us we have to do these things.
D'Layne Benson:
Right.Yeah,exactly.
Wynter Johnson:
So what are some resources that you recommend,uh,for burnout?Are there any tips,tools,books,tricks,you know,anything that you,you like?
D'Layne Benson:
Um,you know,I think that,um,like we talked about within the,um,within the realm of perfectionist,overachiever,all of that,um,and people,you know,people pleasers,all of it.Really,there's this deep level of trying to prove yourself to the world,either through your perfectionism or through the people pleasing.You're trying to show your value.And so I think so much of the healing that needs to be done,particularly with women,is just to learn to love yourself,learn,learn to feel your self-esteem.And so a book that I feel like is really just healing101for this is um,it's a book by Louise Hay and it's,You Can Heal Your Life.And she wrote it in1984so like every once in a while you get into a little bit of stuff that sounds a bit old school.But I mean,this book has stood the test of time for a reason.And it really is about just a deep exploration of who am I,what's important to me and then learning how to value yourself,like I talked about with the affirmation of I am important.Um,her variation of that is she uses the mantra I approve of myself.And just encourages people just to say that all day long.And like I think in the book,she even says something like200to300times a day,you should just be saying,I approve of myself.I approve of myself.And I think that's such a a deep-seated thing into getting through these personality patterns that make you especially prone to burnout.And,um,and just generally speaking,as a society,that's what we need to learn.Like that's what social media has done,right?It's made our self-esteem lower,it's made our self-confidence lower.And so,really the best place to start with healing is just getting some of that back and feeling that you have some worth and some importance in the world.And then I'm just a big believer in the nervous system regulation and the impact it has on you.And so Peter Levine has lots of good books on that as well.I think he's a,a good author for just kind of getting into that realm and learning how important your,um,well,here's how I explain it to my clients.Um,We get into trouble when we're living and thinking in our heads because that's where we overthink.That's where we get in these,um,just rabbit holes of just crazy thoughts.Um,we have our self critic back there who's always just telling us negative things.Things we can't do.Our limiting beliefs.Um,so what we need to do is learn to live in our heart space and learn to live as much as we can in our bodies.And so by getting centered,often,by getting grounded often,by regulating your nervous system,you're gonna be living in that authentic place so much more often,and you'll feel more fulfilled,you'll feel more connected to other people.Um,it's just really in every single way.It makes you be a better person,feel like a better person.Um,and as I said,just feel more authentic.And,um,so yeah,I feel like Peter Levine's books are really the the gateway into,um,learning about that sort of regulation and nervous system healing.
Wynter Johnson:
I used to have a coach ask me all the time,are you feeling that or thinking that,and I'd have to stop a lot and think,oh,I don't know,like,where is this heart or gut and which one,you know,what does that look like right now?So I love,you know,really thinking about where is this coming from.
D'Layne Benson:
Right.
Wynter Johnson:
So what advice would you give to someone who's just starting out on their mental and emotional wellness journey?They're taking the first steps,they wanna work with a coach,you know,they really are wanting to,to move forward with things.What would you say to them?
D'Layne Benson:
I think that the biggest thing,um,really is to start just noticing their selves more often,um,to become an observer of their thoughts,an observer of what's going on in their body.Um,and then from that point you can have so much knowledge about yourself and then start to thoughtfully approach all these different things.So for example,if you notice that you've got a really loud self critic and it's just coming at you all the time,then that's maybe where you need to start.And that would tell me that the person needs to work on,um,the feelings of self-esteem and self-worth.And,um,or you might notice that just everything sets you off and puts you into an anxiety pattern.So if that's what's going on with you,then you need to go more into the realm of nervous system healing because you're very reactive and reactionary.And people within that realm need to do,um,more somatic experiencing.It's very important for them to get into mindfulness.Um,and just the grounding and centering practices.So I think that will just tell you so much if you really figure out what happens in my body,what thought patterns do I have,then you can kind of thoughtfully approach what you need to do from there.Um,but yeah,just slowing down like our,our society does not encourage you to do that,and you need to figure out the ways that you can do that and the ways that you can figure out who you are and what you do,and what are your patterns.
Wynter Johnson:
Yeah,slowing down is so hard and even when you know it,you recognize it,it's just a really hard thing to do and to maintain,to keep slowing down and to keep that slower pace of life,it,you almost feel guilty doing it cuz you just aren't.I mean it's a really interesting,um,thing to try to do.It's important.It's so important.
D'Layne Benson:
It is.It absolutely is.And um,and you know,like that,that comes back into like,overachiever,one of my clients is just,really high level overachiever.And it finally got to the point that we were scheduling slowdown time,like whether it be yoga or whether it be meditation time,but we absolutely had to just program that into every day because she was not gonna do it on her own.She was not gonna make the time for herself.And that kind of gets back to when I was saying you schedule the non-negotiable things like this thing that you really need the most,just put it into your schedule and that's you're gonna do it no matter what.And she would kind of approach it in the way I talked about exercise of just,I'm going to sit down,I'm gonna slow my mind down,I'm gonna start meditating,but then whatever happens happens.And so yeah,she might have just a five minute meditation session,or she might get into it and be doing that for20minutes and then do30minutes of yoga.It just,it depends on the day and what you have time to do,but at least you're doing it every day making that an important thing for you.
Wynter Johnson:
I,you know,and we talked to,to about time blocking in the past,Allie and I have on these episodes and to time block for ourselves is so important and something we need to make a priority.
D'Layne Benson:
Absolutely.Yeah.
Wynter Johnson:
Allie,any questions you have for D'Layne?Anything?I don't think so.I mean,you guys have pretty much said everything that was on my mind and,uh,Dalene,I don't know if you noticed,I've been scribbling a ton of notes and I wanna go back and rewatch your sessions and dig more into this because I think we all are,like Wynter said,we're all experiencing some form of burnout right now and figuring out where it's coming from,what can you do to fill your cup?That's really kind of where I wanna focus.And I guess the one question I would have is,once you start to fill your cup,how do you maintain it?How do you not let it empty again?
D'Layne Benson:
I.Yeah,and I think that's such a great question and such a common thing that happens,I will see this with my clients all the time,is that they start to feel that joy.They get their rhythm back,they get their flow in life,and things start to happen again for them,and they feel so good,but then they stop doing all the things that they were doing in the first place to get to that point.They stop the meditation,they stop the exercise,and it's just such a human thing to do that you feel good and you're like,all right.Like,I'm good.Everything's good.Let's move on.Let's go start doing the things.But you have to be respectful of the self-care.You have to be respectful of the boundaries and just keep holding those things and do not let those go when you start to feel better,because you'll just go right back into the same patterns again.
Allie Nickle:
Uh,I'm definitely guilty of that.I,uh,will be the first to admit it for sure.I get in a really good pattern and then one thing throws me off and I don't go back to it.Or,you know,I skip a day in that routine and then all of a sudden I'm dragging again the next day and it takes me a couple days to figure out why.And I need to figure out a way to be more aware of it so that when I am dragging it's like,oh,cuz I didn't exercise this morning or right.I didn't get outta bed when I meant to,or,you know,whatever it is.Um,so,uh,that is a really good takeaway for me.
D'Layne Benson:
Yeah.And you know,keep in mind too,that sometimes we're pushing hard and we're trying to heal and we're doing all these things and you know,like you talk about like maybe you do need a day off from exercise,truly,but then the next day that has to be the thing that you focus on the most.Um,because really we do need time to heal sometimes.Sometimes we just need a little break.But yeah,that's where it really gets tricky is you want to maintain this,you want to keep that level.However,sometimes you do need a little tiny break,so just have some compassion with that.Don't beat yourself up that today I need a break.But know,that,that means tomorrow I really have to get my exercise time or whatever self-care thing that you're thinking about.Hmm.
Allie Nickle:
All right.Well thanks for tuning in to the See You in the AM podcast.We're your hosts,Allie Nickle and Wynter Johnson.And a very special thanks to D'Layne for taking the time to chat with us today.Uh,our goal at Aspyn Market is to make mental health,self-guided therapy and coaching resources available to everyone,and we just skimmed the surface today.If anything we discussed resonated with you and you're interested in learning more to help your mental health,check out our app Aspyn Coaching,where you can get unlimited access to hundreds of hours of self-guided therapy and coaching from our team of Aspyn Coaches.Just head over to AspynMarket.com.That's Aspyn with a Y.And to start your seven day free trial now.Get full access to all of our features for seven days,including featured daily videos,guided journeys,journal prompts,downloadable resources and exercises.The path to a happier,healthier use starts here.Until our next episode,we hope you have a wonderful day and we'll see you in the AM.