See You In The AM:
A Mental Health Podcast
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Episode: Protecting Your Pink with Mary Haug
Show Notes
"The concept [of protecting your pink] comes from when flamingos are raising their baby flamingos their chicks. They are giving so much of their resources to that baby that they, their plumage, their feathers turn white... the same thing can apply to mothers or honestly, any caregiver, any role... When we are so focused on caring for our family, making sure that the needs of everyone else are met, it's really easy to put our needs on the back burner and soon we're feeling that slump of motherhood, of being lost in who we are."
In today's episode, we will discuss protecting your pink with Aspyn Coach Mary Haug. Mary is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional with a focus on the education behind healing and women’s health.
Helpful links from the episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
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Transcript
Allie Nickle:
Hello and welcome to the See You in the AM podcast where we explore the many facets of mental health and wellness, share our personal experiences, interview mental health experts, and offer practical tips and resources to help you prioritize your mental wellness. I'm your co-host, Allie Nickle from Aspyn Market, and I'm joined by my friend, business partner and founder of Aspyn Market Wynter Johnson. We know there are a lot of mental health resources out there and it's overwhelming to find the right resources that fit your needs, time and budget. So we're here to help. In each episode, we'll talk with one of Aspyn Market's mental health experts and dig into a mental health topic that we know so many of us struggle with. In today's episode, we'll be discussing Protecting Your Pink with Aspyn Coach Mary Haug. Mary is a licensed clinical social worker and certified clinical trauma professional with a focus on the education behind healing and women's health. Hi Mary, and thanks so much for joining us.
Mary Haug:
Hi. Thank you for having me.
Allie Nickle:
We are so excited to talk to you today about protecting your pink as a mom to a three-year-old. I'm very excited to hear what all you have to say and just hear what it means to protect your pink as a woman, as a mom, and just in general in life. So with that, I'll hand it over to Wynter to start us off.
Wynter Johnson:
Thanks Allie. Yeah, like Allie said, we're so excited to chat with you today. You're a newer Aspyn Coach and one of the first sessions you submitted was on Protect Your Pink, which is the first time I have heard of this concept. And so I was wondering if you would just be able to speak with us a little more about what is Protector
Mary Haug:
Pink? Yeah, absolutely. So the concept comes from when flamingos are raising their baby flamingos their chicks. They are giving so much of their resources to that baby that they, their plumage, their feathers turn white. Cause they turn pink from eating shrimp and all the things and they're giving it to their babies. So the same thing can apply to mothers or honestly, like any caregiver, any role. We should apply it in this context to motherhood. Of when we are so focused on caring for our family, making sure that the needs of everyone else are met, it's really easy to put our needs on the back burner and soon we're feeling that like slump of motherhood, of being lost in who we are. It might present itself in like postpartum anxiety or depression, or even one that isn't frequently talked about that I wish we normalized more is is rage is feeling really angry and resentful about where we're at when we're not meeting our own personal needs. As a mother of a almost 10 month old, a four-year-old and a seven-year-old, I've had, seven years of experience working through this and identifying even in seven years the shift of how things have shifted from when I had my first baby and the lack of support that I felt and that many of my friends felt as well to now things are starting to get talked about more. And then I also think there's comfort in I've done this before, so I, I know it a little bit more. And it feeling maybe a little bit easier to navigate knowing what I'm going through. And so I think like we can talk about it more and help other women recognize and see this, it can help them see oh, what do I need to do to protect my pink, to make sure that I'm still vibrant and fulfilling my needs and whatever way that looks like, and what are ways that we can still fulfill other people's needs but not, only fulfill those needs.
Wynter Johnson:
It's interesting that you bring up the community and the fact that people are talking about things more. And we all have very different age of kids here. Allie has a three-year-old, you just shared yours or younger. Mine are 12 and 16. So we're in the throes of teenage years. And it's really interesting when, what and how moms and women like to talk about things. There's a lot of toddler talk out there and then it kind of gets quiet. And then I've noticed moms of teenagers don't talk at all. Parents of teenagers really tend to get very quiet. The support groups change. And so I think, like you said, as you go throughout this process, your resources are different. What is available to you is very different. And so I think part of protecting your pink is really being able to find those resources, find that support, find your tribe, your village, which can feel really complicated. And sometimes it's a kind of lonely venture, even when you're surrounded by people who feel like they might be in the exact same situation.
Mary Haug:
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Wynter Johnson:
How do you recommend women in particular reach out to really protect their pink and say, okay, wait, I need help here. I'm noticing that I'm feeling really depleted. This isn't working. I need help. But sometimes you don't know what you need. How do you recommend people start to get what they need?
Mary Haug:
Yeah, so as a whole, when I work with women specifically, but with men as well and I think I talked about this in one of my later videos, I talked about the seven domains of health. So anytime I'm talking with somebody new, I actually review the seven domains of health. So we look at physical, financial, emotional, social, spiritual, and intellectual, oh wait, and one more environmental, I think I missed anyway. And really looking at how all those are playing out and where we might be lacking. It's really easy with young moms to find. All over the place. Like we can pinpoint it really easily. And where I think the trick can lie is we'll get caught up in identifying all the problems, but then okay, moving forward, what do we do? Like how do we push through? Especially when I look at these and we talk about like lack of community I think we'd be doing a disservice not to also recognize that oftentimes finding community and having access to mental health resources and to those supports and to self-care are very privileged opportunities. There are so many women who don't have access to these. And so I think I just need to be a disservice not to recognize that for so many of these women, problem solving and finding how to find resources and support can be really hard because they might not have the financial support or resources to get the mental health care that they need, or they might be lacking in insurance to get, the appropriate care, whether that's therapy or medications or, any of those things. But I think first and foremost is to know what are the community like the, so in Utah where I'm at, we have like specific county resources. So knowing like the county resources of what's available to you can be really beneficial. And knowing I mean I'm used to I typically one-on-one work with women who often are kind of more in the acute things have hit a crisis point a lot of times when they get to me. And so sometimes we're really looking at for that safety planning and that support, looking at like emergent support of Hey, we've gotta implement some structure and some stability right now. So what does that look like? So on one hand looking at do you have a safe place for your kids to go if you like, are really feeling like you're depleted. And then how do we get to the point of moving forward to that stability? And then looking at, groups and things that are available. Are there mom and talk groups that are available and accessible? I love libraries. They're reading hours. And also I love that we're starting to implement having social workers in libraries. It's like my favorite thing. I wish more libraries would really get on board with that and start doing it more. And then also, so when we're looking at the seven domains of health, focusing on the social aspect and what community. So again, like going back to those libraries, to those groups I love when I have like very specific personal events that I can tie to things. So like an example of how I'm protecting my pink today. I like, so I, at the beginning I mentioned I have a 10 month old and I tell people if he were my first child, he would be an only child. He is so hard and he, I mean, he has challenged, my first two kids didn't have colic. He has a colic right out the gate. My pregnancy was harder. His newborn time was harder. And sleep this week has been really tricky. And so he was awake from 11:15 until I finally got back to sleep at 2:30. And before bedtime, my husband and I planned what our next day is gonna look like because we both are self-employed and work from home. So we have a lot of flexibility in our schedule. And mine more than his has flexibility depending on like, when I'm seeing clients and things like that. We like to plan and we had planned for the day and. So for me, protecting my pink looks like getting enough sleep getting mindful movement and really kind of prioritizing some of those things. And so I knew last night I'm sitting in the rocking chair holding my sweet little boy who won't sleep, and he's being very cute. I said it'd be a lot cuter if it weren't one in the morning, and I thought, okay, I need to remember to tell Tom in the morning that we're gonna have to switch the plan up a little bit because instead of me exercising, like getting my movement in during Benny's afternoon nap, I'm gonna need to nap. I have work in the evening tonight that I need to do. And so if I want to be an effective and functional mom and wife and therapist I need some sleep. And so by taking a nap, I'm not gonna get, I was going to be exercising during that time, so I'm gonna have to move it. So instead of me staying home with the boys and cooking dinner while our oldest is at dance today, he's he was gonna take her to dance and I was gonna cook dinner and be with boys, we're gonna switch and I'm going to go, there's a yoga studio next dance, so I'm gonna go to yoga while she's at dance. They're both, same time it works out really well. And so that way I'm getting my nap in and I'm still getting my mindful movement so then the rest of the evening can go well and I feel like my needs have been met. And even if you had asked me two years ago, If I felt like I could communicate my needs and tell my husband like, Hey, I know you were looking forward to that hour of getting to sit and have un uninterrupted time while Scarlet's at dance, and the boys are with me. I need that time more right now for me to be happy and functional and protecting my own wellbeing, this is what's gonna happen. And I'm lucky that I have a really receptive partner and so that conversation went well. And also cause we have the history of, he knows that when my needs are being met in that way, that things are easier for him too. I'm it's easier to be in a marriage when you're not grumpy. And So protecting my pink today was communicating my needs and saying Hey, last night didn't go the way I was planning for it to go. I didn't get a good night's sleep, so we're gonna switch it up and and it's gonna work out. So that's my protecting my pink for today.
Wynter Johnson:
Okay. I love that you protected your pink and there's so many steps that allowed you to do that. So a the fact that you communicated that is really so important in any type of relationship, whether it's a marriage, work, friendship, whatever it is. But also the fact that you said, I know I need a nap, and I know that there are so many days when, you know what, an extra hour of sleep might help me today so that the next, eight, nine hours of this day go better. But I have guilt that creeps in. I have the mom guilt of but I could use that hour to finish that report or throw some laundry in. How do you set that aside and still do what you need to do for you?
Mary Haug:
Absolutely. I, there is always a time where we've gotta push through, like yes, sometimes we push through, we do the laundry, we do the reports, we, I've got a of therapy notes, but I should be working on, And I, so I think that the releasing that guilt comes with practice and think it would also be dishonest to me to say that I don't still have that guilt, even though I try to engage in the practice of meeting my needs. I still feel that mom guilt all the time, in various things. But it's being mindful and going back and recognizing if I want to be an effective mom, an effective sister, an effective wife, therapist, all these roles that I fill, like the old adage, you can't pour from an empty cup. You can't. And so say, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna feel better if I take the nap. Things are going to go better for me. And in the end it's gonna work out really nicely because, Scarlet love, she loves any parent that takes her, but she thinks it's cool when we're both like, cause like dance and the yoga studio are right next, the doors are right next to each other. And so she thinks it's so cool. Like we both go to our exercise class, and so making these things a very like, diligent and mindful practice of I'm mindfully changing the schedule and fitting in what I need. And that's, so being mindful about it and kind of shoving that guilt. I think I also talked about cognitive diffusion. And so that's also a tool that can be used here of when we have those built messages coming in. Saying oh, I noticed I'm feeling guilty and I need to take a nap. I need to catch up on sleep. Can be really effective here and pushing those negative thoughts or letting 'em pass, not necessarily pushing away, but letting them pass instead of attaching those guilty thoughts to our self-worth.
Wynter Johnson:
Oh. And as women we're so conditioned to do that, it's really it's a hard pattern, a hard habit to try to break and to recognize it's happening and then how to actually move forward. Okay. You mentioned pouring from an empty cup, which is really interesting. And I think we go, Allie and I have talked a lot about, we go through times where there's so many things filling your cup and you're full of energy and excitement, enthusiasm, and then there's other times where you think there is nothing filling these cups right now, and they are all, getting pretty empty. How can people and women really fill their cups or get that pink back? What ways, how do you find that you bring new energy in to fill those cups?
Mary Haug:
Yeah, so I think first and foremost when I'm feeling like I'm in that spot of really feeling drained, taking the step back and recognizing, and this comes with the territory of I've done like specifically infancy. I've done it twice. Like I know, like personally for myself, I have a history of postpartum anxiety and depression. And so I know I've navigated through it. So something that helps me hold on to hope is I know that this is a season and I know things will get better. And for me specifically of recognizing that it will pass helps me kind of get outta that almost like fight or flight stage where I am just so hyper focused on drowning and that I'm like, okay, like I can tread water for a minute and then we can work on filling the cup. Something that I struggle with is the idea when especially But I'm gonna call 'em veteran moms. I'm not gonna call 'em older moms, but you know, like veteran moms when they see me in the store with three kids losing my mind, they're like, oh, you're gonna miss this. It makes me so angry because last Friday, I was at Costco with three kids and I was like, I'm not going to miss this this specific instant I'm not going to miss. So I think there's a fine balance between recognizing not being dismissive and oh, like you're gonna really miss this stage. but recognizing it's not going to be forever. We will get through it. But then so again, filling your cup, it goes back to that really diligent and mindful practice. I'll ask women in the past when you have felt this way, and it can be any way of pouring from an empty cup. It could be if they're working through suicidal feelings, anything like that. In the past when you have felt this way, what have you done to navigate through it? Have you successfully navigated these feelings in the past and how did that happen? Cause then that opens up the conversation and then looking back at it and they're like, oh yeah, I have been really depleted and it looks like, maybe going to my manager at work and saying, Hey, I've gotta offload some of this work. Or It looks like bringing in a helper. I am a big advocate of if you have access to teenage girls in your neighborhood that can come in and offload some time for you. So you can have that time, again, looking at the supports that you have in your community and knowing that, it looks different depending on where you're at. But then also knowing what fills your cup and how to engage in those things. And I think being open to trying new things something that fills one person's cup or is really fulfilling and helps them de-stress isn't going to work for the other person. And so being willing to try out new things and see, what feels good, and also recognizing that de-stressing, taking time for yourself doesn't always have to be a big, huge thing. I mean, like my thing today is taking a nap it's okay. Sometimes self-care looks like it. Last night after I finished a therapy session self-care looked like for me eating some chips and some Costco cookies before I went to bed. Just taking that moment to de-stress and reflect on my day. But there's a lot of right ways to refill what we need.
Allie Nickle:
I love all of this so much and I can relate to so much again as a mom of a three-year-old. There's a lot going on all the time. And just for my personal story here, so my husband is traveling for work for the next three ish months or so. Yeah, so I've been on a fun little solo parenting journey. Very different than single parenting for sure. But it's been an adjustment. And one of the things I've really started to realize is my cup is empty by the end of the day. And I have about one free hour a day to take care of myself. My daughter's up at 5:00 AM then I go to work, I'm focused on one area of my life or another, and then by the time I get the dishes done, the house cleaned up, it's nine o'clock. And with sleep being really important to me, 10 o'clock is, when I start getting ready for bed. So I have that one hour between nine and 10 to do whatever I wanna do. And as Wynter said, the guilt comes in, oh, I should get that one last thing done for work that I didn't get done. Or, oh, there's so much I could do to clean up the house, get it ready for tomorrow, or focus on this or maybe do a load laundry. And it's been a big struggle to be okay with taking that hour to watch tv, to read a book, to not be busy with something. And I'm still trying to figure out what that is or what to do to actually fill my cup at the end of the day. But it's been a huge lesson in awareness of realizing that's what I'm struggling with. That's my time to protect my pink or replenish my pink, I guess is a better way to put it. And it's it's been interesting for sure. I don't have a right answer there, but just that's where I'm coming from with it. And how I can definitely relate to it right now.
Mary Haug:
Absolutely. Something that's kind of interesting first of all, like you have a legit covid baby and raising a baby during covid is such a different set of stressors and dynamics. So my seven-year-old was three going on four. Yeah, right at the beginning of the pandemic. And we were in it where everything shut down, she stopped going to gymnastics and preschool ended, and so I think that definitely shifted how parenting was done. But with that, that golden hour of nothingness that we have, which for moms, it's so often at the end of the day. So where I'm at right now in my house, my office, Is also my laundry room. I won't towards you, turn you towards the disaster of the laundry room. But in order to get down here, and this was a very intentional space for me because I knew that if I was in my house up so you have to exit like our main living area and come down out of out of a door and into another door. So it was very intentionally made so that my family left me alone. I love them, leave me alone when I'm working. But an order for me, to get from my office to like my bedroom at the end of the day I have to walk in through my kitchen, through the dining room, through the living room and so I'm traversing my entire house. So it gets really easy for me. If I finish my work, I finish my session, I'm done, and I just head right upstairs yeah, I'm going to walk directly past the sink and I've gotta do the dishes. Hey, I've gotta do this or then walk past and see the bottle and all the stuff on the dining room table or the toy, I can't traverse my house without finding something to do. And so I know that if I don't just sit down here and take that time, I'm gonna find other things to do and I'm gonna go to bed resentful is what it is, what it comes down to, because, I'm too busy filling all the things and the dishes will be fine until the morning. It'll be fine. And so I try to keep stuff in my office. I've got my big stack of books and stuff right here. For me to have that moment of I can throw a Netflix on my computer, and sit here and hang out and stuff like that. And then I actually just bought last night when I was like, what do I wanna do that would fill a thing? I don't embroider, but I just bought a beginner embroidery kit on Amazon and so soon I'm gonna finish my work and I'm gonna spend some time embroidering before I go to bed, but again, being very diligent of pushing the distractions away so that I can have that time for myself.
Wynter Johnson:
So it's interesting how often you've mentioned kind of self-awareness and intentionally making that time. And you also mentioned a lot about communication. Communicating with your partner, communicating with your manager, whatever it might be. Really communicating your needs. And one of the reasons Allie and I started Aspyn Coaching is we realized that women are very bad at communicating A, what's going on, but B, also their needs. We were really private about certain things that were going on in our worlds and as we started to open up, talk to each other, talk to our friends, our family, we realized, okay, wait. There are a lot of people who are going through a lot of things, some are really complicated and serious and require a different level of support, but for us, even being able to provide people with those few minutes of this is how you can, learn, grow, relax, take some time for yourself is really important. But how do you encourage women to communicate what they need with their partners and their managers openly and feeling safe about it, especially in today's environment where we're supposed to power through it all.
Mary Haug:
so I think one thing, I think backing up I just quit my nine to five job because I wasn't being heard. I was trying really hard to communicate my needs and it wasn't receptive. And I am also the primary breadwinner. But I mean, I was so unhappy to the point where even myself, I'm a seasoned therapist and mental health professional, but I was having panic attacks, thinking of going to my job because it was such an environment where I was expected to just push through and I was told how to do my job versus if I communicated why things weren't working, it was not a healthy environment for me. And finally after one specific incident, I was like, I can't do this. And again, recognizing the privilege that I had of I had been working on building up my private practice so I could step away. It has been, I have had to work really hard on that self-awareness because I was so unhappy. And some of it definitely attributed to, came from postpartum depression and anxiety, which I mentioned that I've had with all of my babies. And the only difference between the first one and the third one is I knew what to expect. So my own therapist giving me that space, And being curious with me and asking me, what do you need? How can you communicate these needs? And I think sometimes that's what it takes is an outside person. Cause it's really easy. Most of my stuff I do is virtually telehealth. It's really easy for me to sit in this office where like I don't have distractions. And asking a mom, how can you communicate those needs? Cause I'm not the one who's having to figure out how to communicate them. And how do, I mean, I think even sometimes identifying what you need can be tricky of what does that look like? Does that look like time with your spouse? Does it look like time where they take the kids and you have that alone time, and so as I've had my own therapist or really good friends ask. What I need and given me that space to reflect on it and have a safe space to verbalize what I need, it's given me the ability to then carry that over into other relationships. Especially and I mean, it's, it is so hard to rate, to keep that self-awareness and to be mindful and to communicate our needs. I really like, so one of the therapy modalities that I follow is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. And it's specific, it was created by Marsha Lenahan for people who have borderline personality disorder which is essentially people who have really strong emotions. But what we know about DBT is that it's a very effective therapy modality for all populations. And I even liken it. It's really similar to love and logic parenting in a sense, the way that you approach children with love and logic parenting is very similar to how you would approach from a DBT standpoint. But they're very big on acronyms and these tools. So DBT is comprised of interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, emotional regulation and so with interpersonal relationships and interpersonal effectiveness One of the acronyms is called Dear Man, and it's a way for us to appropriately communicate our needs. So d stands for describe the situation. And so it goes through and maintaining our position accurately, describe the events and situations. And so I find as we can stick to these frameworks they give us the how-to. And so when it's a new practice, we stick to it to a T, right? I mean, I'll even have people print it out and have it. So you can go bullet point by bullet point to express what we need. And then as we practice it, it becomes a more natural process, just like doing a yoga pose, right? Like you have to practice it and be really mindful, but then as time goes on and your body remembers how to do it, you can do it more effectively. And so it's the same concept of using these frameworks for communicating our needs. And then what we know is that when we have effectively communicated our needs and had those needs being met in a responsive way then, so an example is when I told my husband, Hey, I've gotta take a nap. And we're gonna have to switch things up. He responded well, and he said, oh yeah, no problem. Let's make sure you get your nap. Let's, get these things taken care of. So now I'm more likely to communicate my needs to him in the future because I know that he was responsive and cared about my needs. If we're in environments that aren't responsive and don't care and so we communicate our needs, we're either going to be less likely to communicate in the future, or we might result in some poor communication or even engaging in maybe not the greatest behaviors in order to get those needs met.
Wynter Johnson:
It's interesting how you say really feeling safe, having safe space to communicate and where you talked about, developing safe spaces with your friends, having good friends who can help you create that. Because one of the things that I think women also struggle with is knowing how we help each other protect our pink. I know Allie's going through a stressful time with her husband being gone. What can women do to help each other protect their pink, but also make sure we stay safe spaces for each other?
Mary Haug:
Yeah, absolutely. I think one of the kindest things that has ever been done for me was so laundry historically is not my strong suit. And this was right before Covid started. So I had a, they would've been like three and one-ish in age. And I was super, super overwhelmed with everything going on. And my other friend was pregnant with her first baby, but she looked at me and she said, what do you need right now? I see you're hurting what do you need? And I was like, I don't know. I really don't know. And my mom had taken the kids. And it was just me and her. And she was like I love you. And I've known her, I've known her for years, so this didn't come off wrong. And she goes, I love you. It doesn't look like you've showered in a while. Yeah, true. Yeah. And so she said, you go shower. But if I shower, I have I had baskets of laundry and so I was like, I've got laundry that needs to be folded. I've got this stuff. And she was like, just go shower. You're gonna feel better. So I went and showered. And when I came out, my laundry is folded and sorted. And folding little kids' clothes is so hard because they're so tiny and there's a million of them. And so I took this shower and my laundry was folded and I came out and such a burden had been lifted. And then, and she said okay, now that you've done that, do you think that we could go grab lunch or go do something and you're not gonna feel this is an issue? And I was like yeah, I can actually, because I'm showered and one of my, one of my things is done. And so she helps offload some of that for me which allowed me to have that space to breathe a little bit. And again recognizing that relationship has been built on, I've known her my entire life. So it's been built on 32 years of really knowing each other and knowing and being able to read each other's cues and picking up on things. And again, Just asking. I've never had anybody, friend or client or anybody who has been offended when I've said Hey, it looks like you're struggling, how can I help you? Or, even like unknown things of I'm at the grocery store, can I pick up do you need milk? What do you need? Do you need diapers? What is it? And so being aware of those needs in our community and it's hard if we don't have that community. And cause I definitely have felt so that friend moved like a county away and so it's it's more of a drive. And so it's definitely been a disruption and it was like, oh. Part of my community's gone and not really, she's still there. I can pick up the phone and call her, but she's not five minutes around the corner from me anymore. And kind of looking and okay, this is part of my support group. My community is a little less accessible, so how do I branch out and find, some new community members and how is this an opportunity for growth for me? Because yeah, I'm bummed that my best friend we have lived within five minutes of each other for 32 years, right? It's a bummer not to have her there anymore as, as accessible. But looking at it, how is this an opportunity for growth for myself and creating new connections and both people that can be a positive support for myself and my family, but then also somebody that I can be a positive support for. Because I think that when those relationships are very, they go back and forth it's a very supportive both ways. They're super fulfilling. And getting an opportunity to look for more of those people.
Wynter Johnson:
I think being intentional about building your community or rebuilding your community is so important. And I think it is something that we're all looking to do. Allie and I, as we've started out on this new venture, and I think a lot of people throughout Covid, the last couple of years, communities have just changed. And whether you're working from home and you no longer have your work community or your kids grow and your community changes, whatever it is, being really intentional about stepping out and saying, I need to build this and here's how I do it, is really important. And for us it's been, Are we volunteering? It surprises me how many times you can reach out to people and say, listen, we have something in common. I'd love to grab coffee or can we connect? And people are overwhelmingly excited to do that. And it's really when you get very intentional about building the community and the community you want to be a part of, it's really interesting how it can change your perspective, change your resources, really have an impact on your day in so many different ways.
Mary Haug:
Yeah, absolutely. I so in my job that I just lefted, I had an opportunity for growth and for building my community of we had hired a new staff member and our manager always sends out the resume of the person. And when they sent out the resume, I looked at and oh, I went to junior high and high school with her. And it's not like we weren't enemies. Like it's nothing like that, but We definitely didn't mesh very well. And she was also going to be in my office with me, so I had told my other office mate and I was like, so here's what I know like from high school about this person. I am really anxious about her now. Being my office buddy for 40 hours a week, this is gonna be awkward for me. And owning that. And, I mean, I couldn't change the situation she's gonna be my office mate. She came in and while yes, what I knew about her from high school was absolutely true. A lot of her life had changed. And she, and I actually now, she's now one of my best friends, and so again, that opportunity for growth. Her kiddo is a month older than, than my four year old. And so because I was open and willing to put my own kind of preconceived ideas aside and, invite her things as like my other fr you know, work friends were as we're like going to coffee, it'd be, it'd be really easy to be like, Hey, this is an uncomfortable relationship and situation for me, so I'm gonna push against it. I've said oh hey, we're gonna go grab coffee. Do you wanna come with us? And, inviting her and being open to that and, and so then I have this friend and while our 17 plus years of history is, it's different, it's like that previous 17 years, we still also have 17 years of common history to build upon our relationship that I wouldn't have known about if I wasn't open to getting to know her.
Wynter Johnson:
I think that's one of the best things about experience. You know yourself enough to know I should be open to this, I should be open to her. There's so much that can come from this. And really being open to different experiences, people lessons. I mean, there's so many things that can come our way if we don't block it out.
Mary Haug:
Yeah.
Wynter Johnson:
Okay. Thank you so much for talking to us about Protect Your Pink. We'd love to know more about you and your practice and your background and really your focus right now and what your, it sounds like you've had some great changes. Really what are you doing right now?
Mary Haug:
Yes, I have my cute little family, so my seven-year-old, so we'll talk, we'll do personal side stuff, personal stuff first. I've got my cute she's almost seven. She turned seven in April, my four year old and my 10 month old. And so definitely in the throes Of motherhood and all these things. I have worked full-time, I've always been a working mom, which especially in Utah is kind of not the norm. And so I'm used to kind of feeling on the outs with that. And happen to be really creative about, again, my creative community. And it's been really fun as I've left as I've been building up my private practice and stepping away from the medical world and medical social work both building up my practice, but then getting the opportunity to be home with my family more often and my husband works from home getting to have lunch with him, is, was really fun. And so I grew up in Utah. I've lived, in the same area my whole life and we're Very settled here, which is interesting. I, so personally or professionally, like I said, I just stepped out of the medical world. So trauma is very much my background. For many years I was specifically a trauma social worker, so working with people in acute trauma very severe injuries, crisis and death. And I also have a graduate certificate in women's health, which is also like mental health and women's health. And the, how they match together is my jam the women's health certificate that I took in graduate school is a fabulous program and it's actually the capstone classes are taught by both a doctorate of nurse practitioning and a doctorate of social work. And they tie in so it's an interdisciplinary certificate, so it has classes from the law school. So classes like feminist law are some of the classes. Women's healthcare. There's public health classes. And then of course, social work classes. And so that very much opened my eyes to, all these intersectionalities of how things tie together and then ongoing how trauma makes up the person. So I am really interested in, and what I work with a lot of people on is the concept of intergenerational trauma and how we can change that for ourselves and our children. And sometimes trauma doesn't even, people don't even necessarily think of it as trauma. It can just be even family norms or culture and how we can change those to be more healthy and conducive to happier lives. And then I'm currently working on both certifications for EMDR as well as internal family systems. So IFS, which have been really fascinating and they tie into the trauma framework as well.
Wynter Johnson:
There are so many things that you're doing and it's funny that you it's not funny, but we've had a lot of conversations recently about intergenerational trauma. Yeah. And I'm starting a book called The Body Keeps the Score about how trauma is held through generations. Yeah. Yes. Exa yeah. The universe is definitely telling me to read that right now. It keeps coming up, and we would love to actually talk to you about that more. That would be fascinating.
Mary Haug:
Absolutely.
Wynter Johnson:
What advice would you give to people who are really focused on their mental and emotional health and wellness right now? And whether they've been focused on it for years, or this is just a journey that they're starting now what advice do you have for them?
Mary Haug:
I think before any advice I wanna recognize that taking that first step is so courageous, especially when we have lived in environments and family groups and societies who have told us to put our needs last and who have not emphasized healing. It's amazing that first step is being taken. And then as far as advice, and I tell this for every client that I work with, and when I'm asking for feedback on how things worked, there's no one right way to heal. I think so often, and especially as the therapist I'll get caught up on oh, what is the most recent research-based evidence and what should we be doing? And yes, the professional should always keep up on new research and the best practices. But also it's okay to say if things aren't working. If whatever it might be. If you try EMDR and you're like, Hey, this is not for me. That's okay. Just because research says this is an effective treatment modality doesn't mean it has to be effective for you. And that's for any treatment modality. If your therapist isn't working if it's not a good fit, it's okay. It's okay to tell them, Hey, this isn't a good fit. I have been on the therapist side of that of saying I enjoy working with you. How do you think it's going? Because I'm worried that I don't think that we mesh very well, and it's okay that we don't mesh very well. Let me give you a referral to somebody who I think you'd be a better fit with, and and having a good conversation about that. And then on the therapist side, me not taking it personally. If somebody's ah, I don't think that this is gonna work. It's cool, that, that's awesome. Let's find you someone who will work with you. And so something doesn't work, just go on to the next thing and try it and see if that resonates with you, if that brings you healing.
Allie Nickle:
I love that the statement, there's no one right way to heal is so powerful and it's kind of the foundation of what we built Aspyn Coaching on, that we want everyone to have different resources available to them and find what works best for them. So that just really stuck out. I love that statement.
Mary Haug:
Yeah.
Wynter Johnson:
Mary, we cannot thank you enough for your time today and sharing everything. It's just so helpful. And I think the concept of protect Your Pink when I saw your first session, I mean that really, it just, it hit its home and you don't realize that you are not protecting yourself. Yeah. And until you do, I mean it, things are gonna feel depleted. They're gonna feel draining, they're gonna feel complicated. So I think we all need to do a little more protecting our pink.
Mary Haug:
Absolutely. Yeah.
Allie Nickle:
All right. Thanks for tuning in to the See You in the AM podcast. We're your hosts, Allie Nickle and Wynter Johnson, and a very special thanks to Mary for taking the time to chat with us today. Our goal at Aspyn Market is to make mental health, self-guided therapy and coaching resources available to everyone, as we just said. And we really just skimmed the surface today. If there's anything we discussed today that resonated with you and you're interested in learning more to help your mental health, check out our app Aspyn Coaching, where you can get unlimited access to hundreds of hours of self-guided therapy and coaching from our team of Aspyn Coaches. Just head over to AspynMarket.com. That's Aspyn with a y to start your seven day free trial. Now get full access to all of our features for seven days, including featured daily videos, guided journeys, journal prompts, downloadable resources and exercises. The path to a happier, healthier you starts here. Until our next episode, we hope you have a wonderful day and we'll see you in the AM.