See You In The AM:
A Mental Health Podcast
Available wherever you get your podcasts.
Episode: Relationship Coaching with Charity Shelton
Show Notes
"The whole root of disappointments is missed expectations...it needs to be clearly spelled out. And a lot of people don't actually do that because it's awkward or they weren't taught to, or, they have no idea how."
In today's episode, we will discuss Relationship Coaching with Aspyn Coach Charity Shelton. Charity is a certified life coach with a master's degree in education, marriage, and family counseling. Her work focuses on relationships and communication skills.
Helpful links from the episode:
- Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time by John C. Maxwell
- Prepare/Enrich
---------
Aspyn Coaching is the self-guided therapy app to help you when you need it most. Stream on-demand coaching sessions and resources. Starting at $5+ /month. Download the app now.
Start your day started off right with a free self-guided therapy video from our expert therapists and coaches with some mental health guidance every morning. Sign up for daily emails here.
Connect with Aspyn Market:
Transcript
Allie Nickle:
Hello and welcome to the See You in the AM podcast where we explore the many facets of mental health and wellness,share personal experiences,interview mental health experts,and offer practical tips and resources to help you prioritize your mental wellness.I'm your cohost,Allie Nickle from Aspyn Market,and I'm joined by my friend,business partner,and founder of Aspyn Market,Wynter Johnson.We know there are a lot of mental health resources out there,and it's overwhelming to find the right resources that fit your needs,time,and budget,so we're here to help.In each episode,we'll talk with one of Aspyn Market's mental health experts and dig into a mental health topic that we know so many of us struggle with.In today's episode,we will discuss relationships with Aspyn coach Charity Shelton.Charity is a certified life coach with her master's degree in both education and marriage and family counseling.Her work focuses on relationships and communication skills.Hi Charity,thanks so much for joining us.Hi,I'm so glad to be here.I am super excited to talk to you about relationships today.I know it's something that everyone can relate to and is probably interested in.So I,with that,I'll hand it over to Wynter to start us off.
Wynter Johnson:
Awesome.Thanks,Allie.Okay.Charity,I am so excited to talk about relationships today.And I think there's all kinds of relationships.You have romantic,personal,professional.uh,you know,relationships with your kids,your,your spouse,your other family members.Um,and I'm really excited to dig in.I know today we're going to focus really on a lot of romantic relationships,but before we do that,would you mind just telling us about you,your coaching and how you got into relationships?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah.So,um,like she said,I have a master's in educational counseling and marriage and family counseling and just working with people and seeing a common thread of when people are stressed out or they're frustrated or they're overwhelmed and it really coming down a lot to the quality of their relationships.And I just fell in love with helping people learn how to communicate,learn how to,um,identify like what's holding them back from communicating,clearly connecting with other people and just seeing how that improves your overall.Mental health.If you have quality connections in your life,it can really help with a lot of other things.So,um,I transitioned to coaching recently,mostly because I just want to help more people and I wanted to expand my work and be able to speak into,um,People who have these needs,which,like you said,it's everybody,none of us are living a completely isolated life,so we all have to interact with people on some level,and sometimes it's just getting the right tools to be able to do that,that can really improve your relationships.
Wynter Johnson:
I love that.And you talk about connection and communication,and I think those are so important,especially now.I feel like there is so much happening in the world.You can't turn on the lights,you can't open up,you know,the internet without seeing something that feels stressful and whether it's politics,layoffs,financial crisis,whatever it is.And I feel like It's really taking a toll on couples and whether it's differing beliefs or just stress in general,you know,how are you seeing kind of today's environment impact relationships with your clients?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah.I think if everybody talks about COVID and how we were all separated and,um,we kind of just process things differently after that.Um,I think people who maybe were verbal processors,people who talked about what was going on,um,became more internal and then there's like less connection,but people need to be able to process that stress effectively because it's becoming in our eyes and our ears constantly.So being able to talk with your spouse or a friend or somebody about how you're feeling about certain things is really important.But because we were so isolated,we kind of forgot how to do that.So,um,I've seen just the stress of things of the,the unknown of,I don't know what's going to happen,you know,with this next election,or I don't know what's going to happen with this recession.And I'm carrying that overwhelm and that stress and it's making me withdraw and putting stress on the relationship.So then it starts to feel like everything is falling apart,not only on the outside and the outside world,but in my own life,because I can't rely on having strong and healthy relationships.So just trying to isolate the problem and figure out what exactly people need to strengthen their relationships so they don't feel like they're alone in this crazy world and they actually have some things of stability that they can turn to,to relieve stress and feel less overwhelmed.
Wynter Johnson:
You know,it's interesting when you mentioned that,like,you feel completely overwhelmed.And I think a lot of times when people are stressed and I know I've done this as well,you tend to take it out on people who are closest to you,where you feel.Uh,and so how do you really,how can couples identify concerns before they turn into larger issues,but still have this safe space where they feel like they can safely communicate and bring up tough conversations with each other.
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,I think I see that a lot of people tend to put on the right face for their jobs or for relationships that they're not as close and comfortable with,but that familiarity piece,which is good because you can be yourself,but we often don't treat those people like with the most kindness.Like I've heard it so many times,they're really nice to a person that just called about their plumbing and then they hang up the phone,like,hi,hang up the phone and then continue to just expel whatever their stress is.Um,but I think not taking those relationships for granted is number one,knowing I need to invest in this relationship and I need to not make it a dumping ground.So how can I learn how to deescalate from my stress and really identify what it is we need to talk about instead of compounding everything.So something that I teach and coach on is compartmentalizing,which you know,some people do it better than others.Um,but we can put things in their little boxes and instead of just letting everything bleed out on everything else,like if you're journaling is a great way to do that.So I have an issue,so I write down exactly,um,what that issue is in the moment,give it some time,go back and look and it.A24hour cooling period or less,because you might not need to talk about that.It might just be something that bothered me in the moment,but I'm actually not that mad about it.The other thing I talk about is like sequencing from thoughts.So like,for instance,you're really mad that your husband didn't do the dishes or something,or they didn't take the trash out of you.And it's most likely because of other stress that's going on in your life.But if you give it a little cooling period,you can think back,okay,why am I so mad that they didn't do the dishes or take out this trash?Because I don't feel seen and heard.Why don't I feel seen and heard?Because when I asked him to do that,he didn't place any value on it.So is it about quality time?Is it,is it that he takes me for granted?What is the root issue so that when you go to talk about it,you talk about the root instead of all these other little things that seem to be the issue but actually aren't.Um,and of course you have to regularly be doing those check-ins,um,with your partner because it can really compound to,I don't even know where to start.So,um,that's some of the work that I do.But it can get tough.I can imagine.
Allie Nickle:
Go ahead,Wynter.Uh,I was gonna say,asking yourself why,figuring out what the root of the problem is,um,that's something I've been trying to practice.And,excuse me,one thing I try to do is ask why five times.So,like you said,I'm annoyed that he didn't do the dishes.Why?Because of this.Why is that?And then,for whatever reason,asking why five times is supposed to help you get to that root.Um,sometimes it does,sometimes it doesn't.Depends on how hot headed you are in that moment.
Charity Shelton:
Um,it especially works if you,to a favorite song.Yes.You kind of get that clarity of mind so that you can ask those questions.
Allie Nickle:
Yes.Cause otherwise it just turns into cause he's lazy.Not because I don't.
Charity Shelton:
We want to point the finger always.And I think that's one thing I say to couples a lot is like,remember that you're on the same team and that you have the same goal.So if you can establish,like we have the same goal and that's to make each other feel loved and safe and be,and build a life together,um,and we're on the same team.So.Yeah,I'm not going to do a character attack over the dishes because of that.
Wynter Johnson:
Oh,so speaking of the same goal,so we met with the coach last week and we're talking about goal setting,um,more from a personal and professional perspective.Um,but she mentioned also goal setting with your family and your partner.And that was really intriguing to us because you don't realize like I'm moving this direction.You just assume your partner's on board and then you all of a sudden might realize,wait,my partner thinks we're moving in a different direction or we have different goals.And so one of the things we talked about was really goal setting as couples.Is that something that you really practice in your relationship coaching,or can you kind of speak to how that can help relationships?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,I think when people come in and they're initially wanting,um,for me to help them,they're usually in a state of like,I don't even know where to begin because I'm so frustrated and I feel all these things,but one of the first things I try to do is like,let's talk about what we want out of this.And that initial habit of like,let's get on the same page because when you're not on the same page,like basically there's all of these communication misfires,like I,I felt neglected when you didn't do the dishes,just go back to that.Well,I felt like you were nagging me.Like you were.You know,I was your child and you were a parent and I felt disrespected.And really it's like,if we can come together and figure out what do you need for me,I need respect,I need to be heard.Okay.So the goal is like,why did you get into this relationship in the first place and bring it back to that original,um,goal and then narrowing it down and applying it to these like really micro issues.Um,but keeping that in front of you is really important because it can.set you in that frame of mind to communicate that way.Instead of just communicating reactively,you think about if my goal is to make you feel loved and safe,we'll say that,then I need to say this in a way that encourages that.So you do have to intentionally change how you say things to be more receivable to the other person.So yes,definitely do that with couples.Um,because sometimes I mean,to get down to the nitty gritty,it's like,well,I actually don't want to be in this relationship anymore,you know,and then what are we doing here?So it can get real really fast,but it can also bring people together really quickly so that they can start to make progress because really for every like one negative interaction,you need at least like three to five positive ones.And so we can to turn that cruise ship to where,Oh,we're actually connecting on these small things.It adds up.
Wynter Johnson:
Okay.So we've talked a lot about doing the dishes here already,and we're only a few minutes into this.And so it's doing the dishes is really,uh,symbolic of bigger things in a relationship.And there's a lot,right.Like tiktok lately,um,you see a lot about like gender equity,household equity,partner equity,and what that kind of the man versus woman is how it,how it's traditionally on tiktok.But you have this,this sense that women especially are feeling really,um,overburdened with everything.Yes.It goes into a household and I think that's bigger and it goes into everything for a relationship.How do you see that play out and how do you coach couples through that?Or what do you recommend to really avoid that,that feeling,whether real or not of inequity in a relationship?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah.And I think like going back to that goal,like we're here to build a life together and For it to last,which means we have to place value on each other and we have to communicate that regularly,which means depending on what your life looks like,that might not be the woman taking on everything of the household.Like it doesn't need to be traditional like that.It needs to work for you.So say you have your own business,you're a female entrepreneur.Okay.So what do you do all day?Let's work out our schedules to where it's mutually beneficial for us.And we're both,um,getting what we need out of the relationship.And so really like looking at what those needs are.And then of course,like relationship is sacrificed.People say that all the time and it's really could be a seasonal thing.And I think when people first get married or they first commit to a long term relationship,they see it going one way and then when those things,those expectations are missed,that's when disappointment comes in offense and like bitterness can settle in,and then it changes your communication and everything.So,but the reality is,is that life works in seasons.You're not usually doing the same thing for your entire life,which means that the relationship has to adapt.So maybe in the beginning,you didn't have any kids and now you do.So what does that look like?So there needs to be continual reassessing as if are,are we each other?Are we getting what we need from this relationship?Is the workload adequately balanced?It's,but I rarely see a5050,just it's more seasonal.Like he's venturing on this really big thing so I've got to take on more or I I'm venturing out on this thing so I need you to take on more,but since it's a partnership and there's equal value placed and we're not married just to our specific roles,we can come out of those roles.Um,that's how people can have lasting relationships because they grow with each other,they adapt,they change.But that bottom line goal of like,we're going to be each other's person,we're building a life together and we're not going anywhere.It makes it easier when you have that goal and you can adapt to it.
Wynter Johnson:
I love that.It kind of removes,I think when people reach certain points in a marriage,it turns into scorekeeping.Um,because no one wins when you're keeping score like that.
Charity Shelton:
No,it's not allowed,especially people have different strengths and weaknesses.And I think that's one thing I've kind of like brought to the forefront.Some of my sessions is like,just because,you know,these traditional stereotypes say this and this let's play to each other's strengths instead.So like,if you really like to cook and that's something you love to do,who cares if you're the man or the woman,like you're the one to do that.If you are better at this and we kind of,instead of dreading like what we have to do,we play to each other's strengths and add those strengths to the relationship and thrive.
Allie Nickle:
This is kind of a funny pop culture reference,but,um,if you've ever watched The Big Bang Theory,Amy and Sheldon have a relationship agreement just like Leonard and Sheldon have a roommate agreement.And,you know,a long time ago,I always thought that was just a funny thing.But now,being married for10years,I'm like,that's actually brilliant because it sets out that expectation and it It kind of clears the path.It,it communicates what you expect from each other.And my husband and I do not have a relationship agreement,but there's some ways where I'm like,that's actually really,really smart to do something like that.Do you ever see couples doing anything like that?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,I mean,not in an official capacity,but when it gets so complicated and they just kind of want to start fresh and let's do some things different,you kind of do have to get systematic that way.Because what I see a lot is somebody,one of the partners will say,I don't feel valued because you're not carrying as much of the workload.And well,no,I don't mean to make you feel like that.I'm really sorry for making you feel that way,period.But then nothing changes and we're here in the same fight,same cycle.So let's do something actually physically different and see if you can communicate um,that value and what you do.So what exactly would make you feel valued?I mean,the,the whole root of disappointments is missed expectations.So I think it needs to be clearly spelled out.And a lot of people don't actually do that because it's awkward or they weren't taught to,or they,they have no idea how.Um,and so that's something I help with a lot is like,what is actually your expectation?And is it realistic?And can the other person commit to that?
Wynter Johnson:
The root of disappointment is missed expectation.I love how you just phrase that.And it's really hard for partners to meet your expectations when you don't communicate clearly what they are.
Charity Shelton:
Like,I know,but it's not how it is in the movies,right?Like nobody's talks like that.
Wynter Johnson:
You know,and I learned that from in the business world and,um,leading teams of if I wasn't really,really clear about my expectations for projects,deadlines,whatever it was,they couldn't meet them.And that goes,that follows through into so many relationships,whether it's romantic friendship,you know,with kids,it's just clearly communicating your expectations.Is so important because you can both agree to get there or one partner can say that that doesn't work for me,or here's what that might look like.So I love that you just express that like that,because that's so true.And that's going to be a new sticky note on my board.
Charity Shelton:
Awesome.Yeah,it's,it's definitely something,um,that I see that's super helpful because I mentioned that before we kind of have this idea of like what a relationship or romantic.Relationship is based on a lot of different things,like how we grew up,what other relationships we've looked up to way too much media telling us what it is and isn't and kind of romanticizing how it is.And it's like a lot of newer couples usually are disappointed because they're like,well,they should just know.Cause they know me,they're like my soulmate.And it's like,well,they need to learn you actually,you need to be a student of each other and.That means regularly communicating expectations and,and when people love each other,they're willing to meet those expectations.But a lot of times they don't even know that what they are.
Wynter Johnson:
You know,you mentioned newer couples and that's interesting cause I tend to have the,the thought that.Therapy and coaching are for couples who have been together for a long time,but that's not,I actually think it'd be a great idea for everyone to start like coaching or therapy right from the get go to really learn tools for successful relationships.So do you work with a lot of couples who are at all different stages of their relationships?
Charity Shelton:
I do.Yeah.So,um,because I've been in the college setting,um,and just counseling there,I've had a lot of people come in,in distress over their relationships and they're like newer relationships.And so I've gotten to work with newer couples and I will say like,Equipping them with some basic tools of like what I'm talking about,communicating expectations,not letting things compound,getting to the root of the issue can really save them down the road.Um,and so I love that I get to do that.
Wynter Johnson:
So you mentioned communicating a lot.Uh,well,we've been like,I feel like communication.Is the root of so many problems in all different types of relationships.How do you recommend people can communicate with each other in a way that builds stronger relationships instead of breaking them down?
Charity Shelton:
Um,I think sensitivity is a big thing that maybe a lot of us don't realize we have or don't have.I think some people are more naturally inclined to it,but some people are not.And it really is like understanding different people's different perspectives and how they grew up and what what was modeled for them,but improving communication starts with looking at yourself and examining how can I take ownership of this?And what can I improve?How can I articulate?My feelings a little better.And I think a lot of people don't know how to do that.We're just very reactive and say,whatever pops in our mind,especially with more comfortable relationships,like romantic ones.Um,but when we can sit and really get to how we're actually feeling and how can I communicate that in a way that someone else understands that helps communication a lot,but it takes,it takes a lot of work.
Wynter Johnson:
It really does.Yeah.And I,you're responsible for what you do communicate as you don't,you know,when you don't communicate things that are important to you,that can really be,um,impactful that can leave a lasting,lasting element of relationship.
Charity Shelton:
Yeah.Also listening is a big part of communication that I think is a little underrated,um,being a really good listener,like listening to hear and understand versus I'm listening and already,uh,just trying to respond.Like I'm actually trying to hear you and knowing that I probably don't know everything about what's going on in your mind.And we make a lot of assumptions based on like how our mind works and how we think and even people you've known for years like you you probably don't know exactly how they're thinking and so listening to understand,listening to learn,can go a long way in communication as well.
Wynter Johnson:
Well,I'm making assumptions can be really detrimental in any type of relationship.And I,you know,I personally know that is some,that's something that I do.And I've had to learn over the last couple of years to ask myself,do I know this to be true?So I'll make an assumption about something and once I asked myself that question,I can say,no,I can either,you know,continue to explore and figure out what I do know to be true or realize I just made an assumption and that is not fair to my partner,my friend,whoever it is to do that.
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,definitely.Assumptions um,they make you look stupid.That's the thing.But,um,I think we just go by what we know.I mean,and that's pretty much everybody.They start with what,what they know.Um,But it's not safe to assume even,especially I think people who have been together for a really long time think that they can assume,but that's when you start hearing,like,I don't feel like my partner knows me anymore,we've grown apart.Right.And it's like,because people do change and you can't just assume because they used to do this one way or think this way that they'll forever think that way.So it's always constantly asking and learning and investing in that relationship to really see that return of understanding and improving your communication.
Wynter Johnson:
Yeah.So that's just so important that you hear it like stressed all the time,how important communication is.And I don't think you can,you can put more importance on that than,than what we do.Okay.So outside of like the stressful communication,deep conversations,how do you recommend people keep relationships fun and exciting?You know,there's always that honeymoon period where it's new and it's great.How can people keep that feeling going,keep that excitement for each other as time goes on?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah.I think a lot of intentionality.So I definitely think once a day you need to be connecting on some level.I like to say,um,you need to do something once a day that's more than just friends.So to delineate,like,we're more than just roommates or more than just coworkers.Like if we're building a home,if we have kids,we're more than just co parents,like we are more than friends,and so if that's holding each other's hand,connecting physically,um,something that crosses that line and usually tell people to start there,but I also think like carving out time,whether it's weekly or monthly,you have to have that time.And I've heard different rules,like,if you've been together3months,you get together.You know,once a month and there's all these numbers you can put on it.But what I think is doing something is better than doing nothing.So figure out what works for you and be systematic about it,put it on the calendar,commit to it um,and remember why you got together in the first place.Remembering why you were attracted to each other in the first place and being intentional about complimenting each other.Maybe that's not the vibe of your relationship,but being an encourager to one another goes a really long way.People like to hear that from time to time.And,um,I think people get stuck in like their personality or like the nature of the relationship and communication is like that.Like intimacy is like that.It can become a pattern.So if you don't intentionally step outside of that and do something new,it will,it will get stale.So while I'm not the type of person that compliments,so maybe I'm not going to do that.Well,I would encourage you to try it and step out and do it because everybody wants to hear how much they're loved and what the other person thinks about them and that nurtures intimacy.That's what I call it.Nurturing intimacy.You have to put something into it.
Wynter Johnson:
I love that.And getting out of your comfort zone and also,sometimes really leaning into what I'm comfortable with works,but I have a really hard time getting out of my comfort zone.And I've been trying to really focus on that lately and all of my relationships.And,you know,I will put things on the calendar.Uh,I'm going to spend the next30minutes reaching out to people and reconnecting.You know,there are people who I thought and,you know,all kinds of relationships need maintenance and communication.And so for me,almost scheduling that time is,is helpful.Um,I don't know if it's recommended or if it works for everyone,but for me just saying,I'm going to be really intentional,intentional about communicating with people I want to connect with right now is really important for me.
Charity Shelton:
Yeah.They say relationships are like gardens and you need to tend to them.You do need to be intentional about them and they will grow that return and remind yourself if you're having a hard time getting motivated to do that,remind yourself why you want this relationship in the first place and that could help you be motivated to invest in it more.
Wynter Johnson:
Oh,I like that.And also sometimes it make you,it,it could help you realize that relationship is maybe run its course too.If you feel you have to force.
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,that's true.Some are seasonal,some are meant to be a lifetime.I definitely agree with that.
Wynter Johnson:
So what is the difference between relationship coaching and therapy?
Charity Shelton:
So with therapy,um,you can use a lot of different modalities like cognitive behavioral or solution focused or narrative therapy.Um,and it's really Um,it's,it's good,but what coaching allows me to do is you set the goal and then I help you get from where you're at now to where you want to go.Um,I expanded coaching though,mostly because therapy,you can only give therapy,like to people in your state.And so I wanted to be able to expand who I helped and sometimes,um people who are in therapy,they see it as like,this is a last resort or it's something like we're doing really poorly.And I don't know,like,I just really need something,but coaching seems a little more accessible,but I would say the difference is like a clinical approach versus a more conversational,you set the goals.We agree on those goals and we work towards them.
Wynter Johnson:
I love that,you know,and I think both coaching and therapy are really,really important.Um,and they both have their time and their place.But I know so much from coaching and really being goal oriented and focused in that way has been really helpful.
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,I love doing it.
Wynter Johnson:
So what advice do you have for couples who are just setting out on this journey,we're really thinking about just starting coaching,you know,what are really first steps and what would you say to them?
Charity Shelton:
I would say pat yourself on the back for actually wanting to,uh,put down,you know,humble,be humble and know that you need help.I think that's like the a hard first thing is people don't want to admit that they need help.So the fact that you're doing that and you're wanting to invest in your relationship,take the time,really self examine,be willing to do the work.You should pat yourself on the back.Number one,number two,you're probably not doing as bad as you think you are.Um,there's always somebody doing better than you and there's always somebody doing worse than you.So trying to focus on,um,how did I even end up here and feeling bad about that you even need coaching,Knock that out the door because,um,everybody needs help.Everybody needs,um,tools to be able to understand each other.And so,um,congratulations that you're starting that out and just as we go on this journey,I believe that you will be able to set some goals and you will see progress.So those who are just starting out,um,look for that progress every week.If it's just something small,some,some word this week,I decided to focus on gratitude and we're just grateful for our partner.Even that's those small things,they start to turn the really big cruise ship.They start to add up.So,um,look for those wins every day and stick with it.
Allie Nickle:
I do have one final question for you,Charity.Are there any books or tools or like what particular tangible tools do you recommend that people can go look at right now?
Charity Shelton:
Yeah,so I really like this program and I'm certified in it,but they have a lot of resources on their website.It's called Prepare and Enrich,um,and it's really two sided.Prepare is for people who are preparing to get married and then Enrich is for couples that have been together for a long time.Um,so they have some great resources.And then,um,I actually really like this book called Winning with People it's by John Maxwell,and it just,it is in the context of all types of relationships but it really focuses in on how you talk to people,how you invest in relationships,determining if it's seasonal or lifetime or just for a reason.It's a great resource that I've learned a lot from actually.
Allie Nickle:
Thank you.I haven't heard of that one.I will have to go check that out for sure.All right.Well,thanks for tuning in to the See You in the AM podcast.We're your hosts,Allie Nickle and Wynter Johnson,and a very special thanks to Charity for taking the time to chat with us today.Our goal at Aspyn Market is to make mental health,self guided therapy,and coaching resources available to everyone.And we just.Kim to the surface today.If anything we discussed resonated with you and you're interested in learning more to help your mental health and relationships,check out our app Aspyn Coaching where you can get unlimited access to hundreds of hours of self guided therapy and coaching from our team of Aspyn Coaches.Just head over to AspynMarket.com that's Aspyn with a Y and start your seven day free trial now.Get full access to all of our features for seven days,including featured daily videos,guided journeys,journal prompts,downloadable resources,and exercises.The path to a happier,healthier you starts here.Until our next episode,we hope you have a wonderful day and we'll see you in the AM.